Editor’s Note: This is the 11th installment of “Our Stories,” a WOW Dems series that tells personal stories related to the critical issues of our time, such as the COVID-19 crisis. This comes to us courtesy of psychologist Misty Hook.

A blow to the head

Did you ever think you’d be living through a plague? That’s the question I’ve been asking lately. Not only does the question acknowledge our shared experience of weirdness, it also puts Covid-19 into perspective. “Pandemic” sounds a bit too clinical, but “plague” provides the proper impact. Plague feels like a blow to the head – which sums up where we are.

Believe it or not, we’ve underestimated how Covid-19 is affecting us. We’re so focused on the number of cases, models of infection, social distancing, and (ideally) staying at home that people forget that living through a plague is also about feelings. Sure, we’re aware the constant drum of information and isolation brings a host of negative outcomes, like depression, conflict, and boredom (just to name a few), but they’re easy to spot. It’s the larger emotions – the ones we’re dancing around – that are really a punch in the gut.

Grief, uncertainty, isolation

First up is grief. Throughout this whole period, we’ve all lost someone or something. The loss can be enormous, like the death of a loved one or the absence of economic security, or it can be something smaller, like a missed vacation or celebration. All those losses matter and should be worked through. But we also need to recognize the biggest loss – the one we’re all grieving – is the disruption of our normal lives. The division between The Before and The After. The Before was when life was normal. The After is when the world turned upside down. The most chilling aspect is wondering when we’ll be getting The Before back – or if we ever will.

This leads to uncertainty. The human brain doesn’t do so well with uncertainty. We like knowing what to expect. This plague is denying us that privilege. We have no idea what Covid-19 is going to do and whether we’ll be able to find or have access to a vaccine. We have to guess what the future is going to look like, which means we have no idea how to plan. These unknowns create a constant state of tension that flavors everything we do.

And then there’s the loss of social connection. One of the worst things about this plague is that it’s keeping us from being close to other people. Other plagues at least let you get close to asymptomatic people. Covid-19 isn’t like that. We have no idea who has it and who doesn’t, making everyone a potential threat. And that knowledge wears on your psyche. Humans are social animals; we need connection with others in order to survive and thrive. We need to not only to be around others, but also be touched by them. This plague is denying us that which is most meaningful and it hurts.

Radical acceptance

On top of everything else going on in our country, we’re all struggling with grief, anxiety, and the absence of critical bonds. No one can feel normal when living through a plague and it shows. But there are some silver linings.

We can take this time to practice radical acceptance. This involves accepting ourselves, other people, and life on life’s terms. Radical acceptance means that while we cannot change the situation, we can minimize our suffering. The first step is recognizing the situation exists. We’re living through a plague and it affects every single one of us to our core. Now that we’ve done that, there are other actions we can take.

Ways to cope

Relax. Relaxation is a hallmark of acceptance (conversely, tension is associated with resistance). You can’t be tense and relaxed at the same time, so do things to consciously relax your body. Hold your open hands palms-up in your lap, try a gentle half-smile, or learn Progressive Muscle Relaxation.

Take control. Recognize what you can and can’t control, then focus on what you can. Make your bed in the morning or spend 15 minutes a day cleaning up. Exercise. Limit news and social media intake. Do things you enjoy.

Examine expectations. Realize what you’re expecting, then ask if it’s reasonable. Most people are demanding too much of themselves. Keep expectations low, especially when it comes to Covid-19. If you’re wrong and things get better quickly, it’ll be a nice surprise.

Meditate. Practice watching your breath, which grounds you to the present moment. Learn to let thoughts flow through your head without engaging with them.

Be present-focused. Our past is making us sad and our future is making us afraid, so concentrate on the moment and make it the best you can.

Choose your attitude. How we think and behave is up to us. Let your brain decide how you’re going to feel, then inform your heart. We can still believe that life is worth living, even the painful moments.

Time for change

This plague has given us an opportunity to see what is and isn’t working for us. Our social safety nets are in shreds and it’s never been clearer that they’re needed to function as a community. It’s evident that our hectic lives, rampant capitalism, and poor leadership have led us down the wrong path. We’ve been so busy running and fighting each other that we haven’t appreciated that which makes life worth living: our fabulous environment, our communities, and our loved ones. We need to pay more attention to them.

None of us thought we’d be living through a plague. But here we are. Yes, it’s terrible and tragic (especially since the scope of it is wholly unnecessary), but not only can we get through it, we can use it to our advantage. There’s no growth without pain. Since the pain is already here, let’s use it to make the necessary changes. In so doing, maybe we can both save ourselves and make us better.

Misty Hook is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and a pillar of the liberal community in the Collin County area.

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